For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
