he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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