I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
