Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
