I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
