I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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