Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize