Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
