you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I love you. Go after that dick
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