U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
