She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
