I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
