I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
