I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm too high and old for this...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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