Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
