By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
