Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
