I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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