they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
