I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize