I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
