I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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