I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
