He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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