you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Someone signed my nipple.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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