Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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