my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize