You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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