whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
