how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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