how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
