I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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