Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
