Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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