matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize