You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
