I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
