shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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