i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
