Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Damn victory sex feels great
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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