I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
