We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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