is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
