There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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