can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
