Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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