Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Too much gin, very little bucket
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
