Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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