I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
