I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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