i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
