I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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