i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
