tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Houston, we have a squirter
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
