Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I smell stomach acid.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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