Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
