Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
