More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
