Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
