Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
