shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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